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Social Media has ruined the idea of what a ‘Friend” is, it seems – forever.

Me (extreme left) with some of my gym friends/pals. The good old days where a gym was also a place for social interaction (as almost no one wore earphones) and loads and loads of fun.
I owned and managed a Family Gym for about seven years in the recent past. I saw every member of my gym as an extended family relation with me. I ran my gym business like a family and treated everyone like so. They always knew that I was happy that they came and I knew everyone’s name. Made wonderful, genuine friends. What an amazing phase of life that was for me … in leading the ship that was my gym.

How would you define a friend? How do you define friendship?

I’m sure each and every one of us can define friendship or a friend in many ways and they would most often be described in relation to the actions he or she takes with the person or persons.

How would you define what a ‘true friend’ is for you? Do you have friends? What kind of friends? Is Jesus your friend (if you’re a Christian)? Does God call you his friend? What kind of friends do you have? Are you cautious? Are you careful? Are you committed and candid? These are qualities we need to have in true friendship, true friends. Are your real friends luxuries or necessities? How many do you have? What do you think?

What Social Media really ruined is the word “Friend” and all the meanings behind it. We’re now calling anyone a “Friend” without even seeing them or knowing them. Just because they request ‘friend’ from you. I mean would you really talk to everyone in your street and call them your ‘friend?’

No, I didn’t think so.

Happy times in my gym with friends. We had loads of fun … & had time to build muscle too. Some challenging but good times they were.

So, why do you think social media is any different?

Virtual, imaginary (does not apply to Jesus or God) & fake friends …  they’ll never back you up or support you or be real to you.

They’ll give you fancy names & say nice things “online” but still they’re not real. Even when you meet some of them in real life, they turn out to be a huge disappointment & yes I can’t say all of them… but most of them!

To me there is now a ‘grey’ area with how people define friend and acquaintance. What would be considered an acquaintance prior to social media is now grouped under the name ‘friends.’

Not good. Not realistic.

It’s like defining what is ‘good’ and saying that everything that is good is actually good, when it may not be. May be not as good and so could be classed as ‘bad.’ Anyways, you know what I mean, I don’t want to give an example that is not very applicable.

I know a lot of people have many friends, some hundreds, some hundreds of thousands and even millions for some World Famous Stars. But for what purpose? It is great for marketing and selling products to certain tribes and their targeted tribe/audience. Business, I understand.

I don’t have many ‘friends’ on social media.

I choose to do so.

This may be because my definition of a friend differs to many others. I’m sort of ‘old-school’ in that way. I’ve got a few friends for 40 years (started friendship in kindergarten) and a few more from 30 years ago (Primary School friends) and quite a few in the last 20 years. Then, a few in the last ten years.

Friends, they are truly amazing.

I’ve got some friends that have many friends. Some have thousands of friends actually, according to social media, and wonderful for them. But… is it possible that every day brings forth a new proof that most of them are not real.

Zero conversation, zero support, zero common interest & zero giving a fuck.

We need to get back to the real meaning of the word “Friends” and wake up to smell the coffee and separate the real from the fake.

Friends from my gym grabbing a bite for dinner. We all need to make sure that we feed those hard-working muscles now. Apply stimulus (weight training), eat adequate nutrition, get quality rest. Repeat. Grow.

We need to adopt some ‘old school’ definitions to some important aspects of human relationships. Definitions that still apply today. Definitions that confirm that what is at stake here and what we are talking about here is not a relationship between computers or other forms of technology.

No!

What we are trying to save or bring back again is the old-fashioned values and principles that are the foundations of human relationships and true friendship or friends is one of them.

So, ask yourself, how many friends do you have? How many real friends, that is. It is important to have friends, yes. Friends listen to what you say and allow you to be yourself. Really good friends also listen to what you ‘don’t say’.

Wisdom can be said to be the power or ability of discernment.

Please apply.

Maybe social media has ruined the idea of a friend forever, maybe it hasn’t. Time will tell I guess but the other question to ask is what else is social media changing at such never before seen pace? What is social media damaging in human relationships that has taken centuries to develop? Are the short-term benefit of accepting this change (simply because it is ‘new technology”) better than the the long-term costs to human relationships? Who has done the ‘risk:benefit ratio’ test on these changes to relationships and societies in general?

I wonder?

We are going through a very interesting phase/era of life of unprecedented change. More has changed in the last 50 years than there has in the last 200 years. But should the pace of change of technology be mimicked in other areas of our existence? I’m not sure that is good or ideal. It will bring more harm than good.

It is highly likely the changes we have seen and the pace of change will continue to happen. But at what cost, I wonder? It has already sneaked in under our noses and changed the way we view a very big and important aspect of our individual lives: a friend.

What else is changing ‘under our noses’ that we are not aware of because we are ‘too busy’ trying to exist and coming to grips with the pace of change as it is? I wonder? Who know where we are headed? Can any person ‘see’ the future impact of all these accepted unprecedented rapid changes? People make predictions on the stock market and shares and property values but is anyone forecasting the costs to individuals and societies and countries of all the magnitude and speed of change? I guess we are already seeing it: the huge growth of mental illness in the last 20 years… the fastest growing illness known to man-kind today. Maybe this is just a symptom of something greater to come …

I don’t like saying that ‘time will tell’ because being “pro-active” is far better than the very common “reactive’ nature humans and societies in general have become today. Isn’t prevention better than cure? Oh well, like most things in life, saying and doing can be worlds apart… and it is probably easier (not cheaper) to cross the bridge when we get there aye?

But, I still wonder?

All the best to you and your friendships.

 

Until next time,

Best of Vitality to you.

 

The old Captain Viking Pirate Fiji Island Muscle Monk

My Family of friends in my gym I owned and managed for 7 years.

Friends that workout together … stay together?

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Fairness in Love?

Fairness begins with Self. Side chest pose in my gym of seven years.

Do you believe in love?

Do you believe in lasting love?

You’d have to agree with me when I say that we don’t get lasting love by chance. Before I go any further, I want to let you know that I don’t believe in chance or coincidences.

Everything – good or bad, is meant to be, when you make decisions for the best and ultimately to not bring harm to anyone else in the long run. You may hurt someone in the short-term but foresight is a gift, and you may see the benefit for the person in the long-term.

Sometimes, as my grandfather used to remind me – you have to be ‘cruel to be ’kind’ or in his other words of wisdom, give ‘tough love’. People suffer a little bit in the short-term for lasting long-term benefit.

So, lasting love does not come by easily, it takes work – simple, pure hard work. In Australian lingo we say – “Hard YAKA!’, if you believe it is worth it.

Hard work strongly involves working at fairness.

How do I know?

Well, I believe in genuine, authentic relationships. I mean I have many, many acquaintances but only a few very good friends. People I can call friends for twenty, thirty or even forty years. And there are a few new ones too.

Friendship, real, genuine, long-term friendship of any kind takes time and work, hard work.

And really good friends, friends that ‘hear what you say but also hear what you don’t say’, now these are hard to come by. But, they do.

I spent a lot of time with one of my many male mentors for the first 18 years of my life – my grandfather: Mr Garrett Bola William Valentine.

I used to sit there, when he was alive and listen to him (who was like a dad to me) and his one very good friend tell stories and reminiscing of their youthful days. I loved listening to those stories. I thought of my grandfather when writing this because it seems his loving friendship and bond he had with his friend to his last days were based on an enduring friendship.

A friendship that lasted over fifty years.

A relationship, a love-affair between two men, two humans, that, I can only assume, took a lot of work and Hard Yaka. It did not just happen by chance. Certainly not.

Side triceps in my gym of seven years.

A loving, lasting relationship of any kind, needs fairness.

In a romantic one, however, unlike my grandfather’s Bromance, the ‘romance’ can keep love alive for a shining season but unfair love will freeze by late autumn as the relationship goes through the seasons of life, so-to-speak.

Do you argue fairly?

One needs to remember to stick to the facts and don’t make personal attacks on your partner, especially ones that are generalised over a number of years? I believe fairness is at stake in every conversation, in every sharing of duties, in every argument.

In this day and age where there is an ‘opinion epidemic’ whereby people think offering their opinions willy-nilly, left, right and centre is acceptable. These opinions are heavily biased and are not thought out from ‘both sides of the argument. So, arguments are not done in a fair fashion.

We need fairness in our trust. Trust of one another.

In romantic love, we need fairness in our talk. Our communication. Experts say that our nonverbal communication accounts for almost 60 percent of the total message. Tone of voice, for example – the way we say things – makes up 35 percent of the message. The actual words we say account for only seven percent of the total message.

I know I can get very passionate and animated when I speak and so there is always fluctuations in my tone of voice and sometimes this can come across as aggressive. I do struggle with hiding my emotions sometimes and am still trying to manage and control them even now.

If I am angry, you will know it, just as sure as you will know when I am happy. My eyes and face are the windows to my heart, my soul.

So, as food-for-thought, think about the ways you and your spouse/partner communicate without using words. These are all important factors of communication but the most important question is how effective is your communication with your loved one/partner?

In my experience, it isn’t fair to use words that violate a person’s feelings or betray a person’s confidence. Refrain from saying things to personally attack the other. Stick to the facts and in saying that, the immediate or facts of a recent example.

We need fairness when we divide the chores in family life.

We need fairness when we decide who goes out to work for a living and who stays home to mind the children, in the different phases of family life. What phase of life are you or you and your partner/husband/wife in?

“So, when is love fair?” I hear you say.

Well, from my experience, I believe that –

  • Love is fair when it builds up both the lover and the beloved;
  • Love is fair when it increases both and diminishes neither;
  • Love is fair when it brings lovers close but still lets them separate when appropriate;
  • Love is fair when it nourishes both and leaves neither hungry for more;
  • Love is fair when it respects the boundaries of the other person’s selfhood;
  • Love is fair when it delays our most legitimate desires to meet our loved one’s needs;
  • Love is fair when it does not use ancient and forgiven wrongs against us;
  • Love is fair when we don’t selfishly accept current, immediate self-gratification at the price or expense of the other’s pain.

What do you think, is the above statements fair statements on what fair love is?

What do you think is a “fair” balance of closeness and separateness in your marriage?

What do you think is ‘fair’ behaviour when you are disagreeing?

Oh love … oh fairness fairy.

We seek your guidance.

Amen.

 

Until next time,

 

The Old Captain Viking Pirate Muscle Monk.

Members of my ‘extended family’ when I used to own and manage my gym for seven years. Some of the best and hardest years of my life so far. I loved leading the members (predominantly males – 70%) and they allowed me to take them to unchartered territories for us all. The gym was (unlike today’s) a social place. An ‘inbetween home’ between your place of work and your home.
Relationships based on fairness, trust, care and compassion.

Working out in my gym during a photo shoot

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Equal friendship.

Ex-Australian Wallaby Captain - Phil Waugh performing a set of squats. What goes up must come down.  A possible definition of a squat. Summarises most things in life. It could also symbolically represent the ups and downs of an equal friendship. Each person understands the boundaries of the relationship just like there are limits to a squatting range of motion.

Ex-Australian Wallaby Captain – Phil Waugh performing a set of squats.
What goes up must come down.
A possible definition of a squat.
Summarises most things in life. It could also symbolically represent the ups and downs of an equal friendship. Each person understands the boundaries of the relationship just like there are limits to a squatting range of motion.

I believe in friendship – equal friendship.

Who do you consider your ‘friend’ at this point in your life? Your partner, wife, husband? Your high school or university friend? Do you have hundreds of friends or just a few with many acquaintances?

I can honestly say that my best friend at this point in my life is my beautiful wife, a friendship that has lasted fifteen years and counting. There are also many friendships that have been in existence for various lengths of time. You would have the same too. For example, I have friendships that started all the way from kindergarten (over 37 years ago) all the way to a few current friends.

You may have many people in your life you consider friends. In this day and age where the definition of ‘friends’ can mean what we have on facebook, a friend could mean something else to you. Some people pride themselves on the number of friends they have. There are many definitions. Fair enough.

In my fourty years on this earth so far, I have experienced many types of friendships and one thing has stood out: You don’t need to be a friend to everyone. Understanding this will help you ‘manage your funnel better’.

It’s just not possible to spread yourself equally with all your friends or so-called friends. Friendship, genuine friendship takes time and effort. Most of you reading this would agree.

We don’t have to look very far for a decent model. If you are a Christian, let’s remind ourselves of the model say, Jesus, adopted. He preached to, healed and helped thousands of people but he only had twelve disciples. How many of these close disciples did he invite when he was transfigured on the mountain?

Only three! You could say that he had only three genuine friends.

Loading the 'guns' with proper execution. Here Brad is building his 'mind-muscle' connection under my watchful eye.

Loading the ‘guns’ with proper execution.
Here Brad is building his ‘mind-muscle’ connection under my watchful eye.

I recall seeing only two very good friends of my grandfather in his last few years of his life. They came around our home a few times a week just to sit and talk and reminisce of the ‘old days’. They were friends for over fifty years. I witnessed the beauty of very close, genuine friendship. It was truly a thing of beauty.

However, it was only after my grandfather passed away that I truly understood what I had observed.

With only 86,400 seconds in a day, you cannot possibly relate to every one of your friends in an equal fashion. Don’t stress if you aren’t. It all depends on the phase of life you’re in and the philosophy you adopt. Because of the finiteness of life, it is wise not to waste your precious friendship time on relationships that won’t be productive.

Don’t mis-understand me now. It is ok to lend a helping hand to a needy person but it is another to develop a friendship. Like I said, friendship takes time and hard work. It doesn’t JUST HAPPEN. In the case of the needy person, you could consider it as social work or community service or spiritual caring.

However, with a genuine friend, you and your friend will share and give equally to each other. You both get fulfilment and nourishment from being in the relationship.

For simplicity let’s break life up in to three categories to refer to relationships:

  1. People whom you nourish and who return little or nothing to you
  2. People who nourish you, but you may return nothing to them
  3. Genuine and equal sharing relationships.

All three categories vital to your existence but I don’t believe the first two of the three types of relationships are friendships. The third type or category is what I refer to as real friendship. You must be strong and aware enough to distinguish between them. Mixing them up could cause problems.

It is important to reflect on your philosophy regarding life and the choices you make with regards to investing in certain relationships. What is needed is discernment and making the all important choice of taking some of these relationships to the level of genuine friendship.

Friendship that lasts because it is built on equality.

Here’s my little formula for friendship: Equal friendship = Genuine friendship.

Your ‘friends’ can have a big influence on where you end up in life. Increase your awareness and seek equality and authenticity.

Choose well.

All the best!

Until next time,

Retired rugby legend: Ex-Australian Wallaby & Waratahs Champion Captain & True Leader - Phil Waugh. Setting his own standards of excellence in all areas of his life, following my framework. Champions like Phil help us recognize that he believes in sacrifice and dedication to higher principles - higher standards. AWaken yours today towards THE BEST YOU CAN BE with one of my programs!

Retired rugby legend: Ex-Australian Wallaby & Waratahs Champion Captain & True Leader – Phil Waugh.
Setting his own standards of excellence in all areas of his life, following my framework.
Champions like Phil help us recognize that he believes in sacrifice and dedication to higher principles – higher standards.
AWaken yours today towards THE BEST YOU CAN BE with one of my programs!

~~Life & wellness COACH~~

~~Life & wellness COACH~~

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